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Lightbulb

Strange topic for a blog post I know, but that’s what’s troubling me at the moment. A stupid light bulb. The one in the hallway blew out two nights ago and once again I have forgotten to replace it. The night arrives and darkness falls and suddenly the door to my lounge becomes like the door to a prison cell.

Probably a strange concept to those that aren’t afraid, not that I am afraid of the dark, that doesn’t bother me at all, it’s the vision the dark gives me. The mental flashbacks that get triggered by a light not working. It makes me so frustrated with myself, it doesn’t matter how often I tell myself he isn’t real, he can’t come any more. He does not exist, the child inside does not want to listen.

I lie on the sofa at night trying to sleep and all I can feel is the anticipation of his hands in my hair yanking my head back, his nails digging into my arms, or his teeth in my skin and everything else that follows. All because I forgot to change a stupid light bulb.

I can’t even go out there, not even to go to my kitchen to grab a drink or to my bathroom. It’s like being a child once again. Even sleeping alone at night is a task, all I want to do is sit up and check that he isn’t here, but no amount of checking reassures me, because what if this time when I close my eyes, he comes. I feel like I’m an adult with a child’s logic sometimes when it is like this.

Once the night comes down, I know, no one will hear me scream and no one will come to help.

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Posted by on July 11, 2013 in My Journey

 

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Friendship

I have to wonder if there is any such thing as a real friend. By real friend I mean one that will always be there no matter what. One that doesn’t want anything in return but friendship. That’s the kind of friend I try to be. I try to be honest and not hurt people.

I lost a friend this weekend, not to death, although it feels that way some moments, but to a falling out, perhaps it was just something stupid. I don’t really know. But I don’t seem to keep friends, not when my illnesses flair up and send me mentally messy. Friends don’t seem to understand and I don’t understand that.

When my friends are sad, or hurt I try to be there, try and listen, but when I try and open up, need something, which isn’t that often because I find it hard to give myself to a friend that way, they walk away. I’m not really sure my heart can trust or take a chance on another friend.

Maybe this is just another legacy from my parents and the way I have to deal with life now. I wish my parents could have given me normal, then I too could be normal.

  • Done. (neondrama.wordpress.com)
 
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Posted by on July 1, 2013 in My Journey

 

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Birthdays

One thing I seem to find hard, and maybe I am not alone in this, is my siblings birthdays, or their relationships with my parents.  I watch as my younger sister celebrates her birthday, happy pictures are posted, smiles, cakes, off out to dinner, such normal things like that, but it makes me fill with a kind of sadness. I wonder what it is that makes them not treat me the same. Is there something inside that I am missing and I don’t know about it?

All her birthdays she has got to celebrate with our parents, even the ones now with my father. What did I do so wrong that I get treated as though my birthday is nothing special? I don’t even get a card or a call. Not even a text message.

Although I may be all grown up now with a family of my own, maybe my father doesn’t even know how heart-breaking it for me, that neither of my parents ever care to wish me something nice on my day.

I wonder what it is that I did wrong?

 
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Posted by on June 30, 2013 in My Journey

 

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Me

I’ve lurked around blogs for a long time. I even had one, hiding mostly about who I am and what I have been through, or even what I go through now. Today I decided I was going to share my own journey, whilst it is still somewhat behind a curtain, I hope to try and come out of my own shadows as best I can.

I was abused as a child, although I am still getting used to saying that. For most of my life it feels as though I am to blame. I have to learn how to shake that feeling, and that is why this is here. I suffer from PTSD due to my abuse, as well as obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder and I disassociate a lot.

On my journey I want to try to share my struggles, my achievements because not everything is bad and of course my story. I thank you for reading and I hope that if you are like me then you are here to understand that you are not alone.

 
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Posted by on June 30, 2013 in My Journey

 

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